


The Irresistible Force Paradox

by doctorcanon



Category: Persona 4, Persona Series
Genre: Blood, Derogatory Language, Fist Fights, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Incorrect Interpretations of Karma, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, M/M, Making out in the dirt, Non-Explicit Masturbation, One-Sided Relationship, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rating May Change, Rejection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-25
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2018-09-26 21:02:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9921992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doctorcanon/pseuds/doctorcanon
Summary: Indulging Teddie's Spin the Bottle game turns out to be the worst idea ever and pisses Yosuke off so much that he bails on Chie's Christmas Party. Kanji decides that he's had enough of Yosuke's bullshit and decides to go look for him."It hurts to watch someone you respect and admire become someone nasty and hateful just because you've exposed some side of them they can't bear to see. Of course he doesn't mean to hurt him, but Kanji is goddamn sick of paying for Yosuke's emotional baggage."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I was working on finishing To Help, and a scene where Yosuke offers Kanji a chance to punch him to make up for all the stuff he's said. It ended up spiraling into this hot mess. I'll likely continue it but slowly. I'm dispensing with one of my least favorite Fanfiction Tropes which is Kanji the Therapist. I'm not knocking anyone who does like that trope I'm just not the biggest fan of it. I ship these two. I dunno how it happened but it's a thing now. Expect a lot of angst and anxiety from these two.

_Fuck._

 

He's _that guy_. He's the guy who ruined everyone's good time by being too sensitive. He freaked out and killed the mood. _But it's Kanji's fault!_ _Kanji_ is the one who made him this way by acting all weird! And _it's Teddie's fault_ for making it worse! If they had just cut it out, things wouldn't have had to be this way! He can't call Souji. He left his phone at Chie's house and he can't just go back. Everyone probably hates him now. At least for tonight. Chie will probably punt him all the way back to his own front door.

 

Yosuke's shaking legs give way the minute he arrives at the Samegawa Floodplain. He takes in large, greedy gasps of air trying to catch his breath. He wipes his face of the sweat that freezes in the frigid air and finds the chill isn't good enough to bring him back down to Earth. So he dips his hands into the cold water at his knees and splashes the water on his face. The icy cold anchors him down to the world of the living. He sinks back onto his haunches and buries his face into his hands.

 

Did he really just sprint _all the way here_ from Chie's house? Yes. He did. _Goddammit._

 

For a moment, he hopes the silence will kill him before the embarrassment does. He shouldn't have snapped like that but he can't help it. Teddie's spin the bottle idea was so _fucking dumb_ and he didn't think Kanji would actually go through with it. Why couldn't it have landed on Rise? That would've been so much easier. Whatever, he's caught his breath and he has something more on his mind than “bail now”. He should start the shameful trek home. He needs a headstart on pretending to sleep before Teddie gets home.

 

However, the minute he stands to his feet, Yosuke's thoughts of home are eaten up by the memory of Kanji's rough, chapped lips on his and the split second of _oh god yes_ , that came before the panic. Since Souji went back to the city hanging out with just Kanji and Teddie is normal but even the bear can see things will always be weird between him and Kanji.

 

Yosuke wants to make one thing very clear. _He's. Not. Like. That_. If Kanji's secure in his _Man's manly man-ness_ , then great. _Awesome._ But sometimes, Yosuke _just can't deal._ His dad would disown him if he ever caught him doing even half of the shit Kanji does. A new jolt of fear runs through him at the thought of Teddie just spilling everything that happened tonight in his usual excited rants. Shit. He'll need to get to his Dad before Teddie does. What if he's already there?

 

Panic hits him for a second time that night. Pivoting on his heel, he makes to sprint to his house when he sees none other than the root cause of all his anxiety. Time skips a few seconds, just to let the two stare at each other. Unstoppable Force meet Immovable Object.

 

“Senpai...!” Kanji makes the mistake of starting out aggressive. Yosuke won't have any of it.

 

“No.” It sounds like an accusation with the way Yosuke jobs his finger at him. “No, no and no. Fuck you, okay? That was way over the line!” Perhaps if Yosuke hadn't been pointing so aggressively, he would've been able to slip past Kanji. It's not like the younger boy could ever catch up with him. Kanji managed to catch Yosuke's wrist in his left hand but even though, he's stronger his senpai nearly pulls his feet from where they're planted. “Let me go.” Yosuke demands, just barely managing to stay calm.

 

“No.” Some part of Kanji vaguely wonders if his tight grip hurts Yosuke-senpai's arm, but another part him could not-so-vaguely give a fuck.

 

“I'm serious. Let go.” Yosuke-senpai's teeth are barred now. Bright and sunny disposition is stripped away, revealing nothing but a raw need to run away. Kanji's quite the opposite and Yosuke has two options either stay or go _through_ a boulder in the shape of his currently least favorite kouhai. Neither work in his favor.

 

“We need to talk, Yosuke-senpai. Ain't that what friends are _supposed_ to do?” Kanji sounds more mature than he does and that just pisses him off more.

 

“Oh so you're the authority on that now?” Yosuke isn't worth much more than a cornered animal. “Last time I checked, friends – _guy_ friends, _two guy friends_ – aren't _supposed_ to kiss either! The fuck is wrong with you?!” Yosuke attempts to shove Kanji aside but the younger boy smells his lack of conviction and pounces on him.

 

“You! You're such a _fucking problem_!” Rage makes Kanji blind to the hurt in Yosuke's eyes. “You've given me so much shit since we met, and then you have the balls to storm out when everyone having a good time and blame it on me!” Yosuke can't come up with any excuses, so Kanji digs his nails in, pouring out frustration he's kept clenched between his tongue and teeth for months. “Fuck _me_? Fuck _you_ with your shit-eating grin and back handed comments! You think I'm blind? Deaf? You think every thing you say is just gonna roll off my back?” Yosuke's defenses blare sirens and scramble for an answer to questions he never thought were coming.

 

“It's not my fault you can't take a joke!” That's the worst thing he could have said because the next thing he feels is Kanji's fist crashing against his nose. The bridge of his nose and something in his heart, already so tightly wound _snaps_.

 

Yosuke's punches are actually pretty hard, Kanji realizes. He actually stumbles back before Yosuke grabs his collar.

 

“I'm not _like_ that! I'm not _like_ you!” Yosuke's voice brakes. Kanji pours himself into the cracks, determined to shatter him. He wants to hurt him. “I'm normal, goddamnit!” Yosuke shoves him but Kanji is not some stupid pushover.

 

“Fuck your normal!” And he shoves back – a little too hard, because Yosuke grabs him and they both tumble to the ground. “Aren't we a team? Aren't we friends?” Kanji is only vaguely aware that Yosuke can't breathe well with both side of his collar gripped in his fists. He can barely talk with senpai all but clawing his face, so he hits him again only to get his lips split by Yosuke's fist.

 

If they say anything else, it's lost to the sound of fists on flesh. Yosuke should've known he'd end up back on this riverbed, fighting. A year ago, he buried everything he hated about himself here. Now it's crawling from the ground ready to swallow him up and all he can do is struggle against it. He's just running from things again. After the TV World, after Souji, he's learned _nothing_. Deep down, Kanji know he's a hypocrite. He's lost count of the people he's hurt just to run away. To make matters worse, a lot of them didn't deserve it. Especially his mother, insulting her when he felt particularly confused and upset. Yet still, she's abiding and patient. He tries to be like her when it comes to Yosuke-senpai but he's so tired and angry. It hurts to watch someone you respect and admire become someone nasty and hateful just because you've exposed some side of them they can't bear to see. Of course he doesn't mean to hurt him, but Kanji is goddamn sick of paying for Yosuke's emotional baggage.

 

They fight until they're just uselessly wrestling on the ground which takes an astounding five minutes. There's no rush of the river, nor chirping crickets not even the sound of the wind through the trees, just the harsh ragged sounds of their breathing. Yosuke's hands won't stop shaking long enough to get a grip Kanji's collar. Kanji looms over Yosuke, still straddling his waist, but he can barely keep himself upright. Dizzy and bloody, these two boys have nothing else between them. Amazing how so much frustration can build up over just a year and half.

 

Yosuke blames himself. Kanji lets him.

“I know.” Kanji's words sound more damaged than he'd like. “I know that you...you think you gotta say this shit so people will like you.”

 

“Stop...” Broken little pleas aren't going to stop him.

 

“I know you're scared.” Kanji insists. “But it's not my fault! I'm not responsible for any of your fucking hang-ups! The only thing the kept me from beating the shit out of you was the fact that once you forgot everything you thought about me, you treated me like an equal – a friend – you even bragged about me when I wasn't around. Not even Souji-senpai did that.” Yosuke opens his mouth like he's going to protest but doesn't see the point. “Then suddenly you'd remember and you'd start back up again, needling me with your annoying bullshit. So why? Why _me_?” Kanji is answered with with a moment's hesitation.

 

Kanji is right. Days where Yosuke feels lonely or even just a little sad, he can't handle feeling exposed. Being the one with talent and of actual use in this world, Kanji makes him feel like skin after ripping off a bandage. Some days, he's the bandage; useful for a while but thrown away and eventually forgotten. In Kanji, he sees the power to accept the unacceptable. Power that he doesn't have.

 

“So?” Kanji prompts him to speak.

 

“So? So what?” Yosuke's nasty side shows but there's no heat behind it. He's tired of fighting but shame fuels his attitude. “I'm the king of excuses, and I don't have one. I have absolutely nothing to say for myself. As usual.” Yosuke looks out into the river, wondering briefly what it would feel like to drown in it. At least it'd get rid of the headache. The hell was he thinking fighting Kanji, of all people? He'll be lucky if he can stand upright after this. Something in Yosuke always has to push his luck. Good looks, a shit-eating grin and a passable sense of humor have to be good for something because it's all he has. “Get off me.” He demands.

 

“Give me a decent answer.” Kanji spits back.

 

“That's all I've got.” Yosuke offers bitterly.

 

“That's not good enough.” Kanji declares.

 

“Get used to it.” Yosuke replies with all the venom of a cornered animal. He has nothing left to offer. He tries to shove Kanji off of him again but the adrenaline is fading and the pain is setting in and Kanji wrestles him back down. “I don't know, okay?” That's a lie. They both know it. “I don't know why it's always you. Maybe try turning that shit down and stop being so – mmmph!” Yosuke words die in Kanji's mouth. The kiss is rough, mean and full of teeth. Yosuke's shock doesn't stop him from kissing back. _Again_. Goddamnit, why? Why can't he stop himself? Why is he like this? What kind of fucked up person is he?

 

“Then answer _this_ question...” Kanji grinds out against his lips. “Why do you keep kissing back?” He doesn't give Yosuke a chance to answer and kisses him again and again until Yosuke can't tell the difference between fighting Kanji and fighting himself.

 

Yosuke drowns in blood, spit and snot as their lips clumsily smash together. This is disgusting, it's wrong, it _hurts_ but he still finds himself sinking under the thought that it's been so long since he's been close to someone like this. His eyes slide shut and his mouth falls open. The taste of Kanji's tongue makes him gasp. Kanji acts on instinct, all the answers to his questions have been answered without Yosuke having to say a word. He understands now.

 

Loneliness is a bitch.

 

Maybe it's karma. Kanji didn't just beat up motorcycle gangs and bullies, he hurt plenty of people who didn't deserve it too. Even going so far as to shout down his own mother and storm out of the house for days on end without caring how concerned she might be. Maybe Yosuke's barbs at his expense are just a taste of the pain he caused. Perhaps that's thinking a little too much into it. Kanji doesn't consider himself the deepest thinker. That's why he's making out with Yosuke in the dirt. Well, that and Yosuke-senpai's lips are _really soft_.

 

“Senpai...” Kanji mutters. Yosuke can barely manage eye contact. He doesn't know what to say, so his mouth leaps on the first thing that pops into his head.

 

“Your face looks terrible.” _Nailed it_.

 

“You don't look much better.” Kanji shoots back, but he manages to throw a smirk to Yosuke who just rolls his eyes and silently admits defeat. “We should get cleaned up or something.” He mutters. Slowly, he gets to his feet, roughly wiping his bloody nose. He looks down at his senpai who runs a trembling hand through his hair. Those shakes don't look so good. Kanji puts it off as cold, but that rattling sigh puts him ill at ease. With a sharp intake of breath, Kanji suddenly realizes something very important. “You're not...you don't have a coat...”

 

“Geez nothing gets by you doesn't it? I left it when I bolted out of Chie... _hey wait_! We just _played tonsil hockey_ on a riverbank. Are we just going to ignore that?” Yosuke squeaks indignantly. His head reminds him a little too loud, or maybe he's being punished. He's willing to bet on the latter considering everything that just happened. Kanji's answer is just to offer him a hand up. Yosuke almost rebuffs him. He doesn't deserve the help when he's like this. But he's still shaking. He might as well.

 

If there's a difference between kisses and handshakes, their heart can't tell the difference.

 

Yosuke can get the sensation of bare skin on skin out of his head until Kanji helps him to his feet, then his head is filled with black spots and colors running together. His body can't catch up to them and his knees buckle.

 

“Whoa! Senpai!” Hand in hand or not, Yosuke falls so fast, Kanji almost doesn't catch him. “I didn't hit you that hard did I?” Panicking, Kanji leans down so Yosuke can rest on his shoulder, like Souji-senpai used to. Yosuke seems to like it because the other boy just leans into him with a soft sigh.

 

“No...I'm just...dizzy. I stood up to fast.” Yosuke replies snippily but the venom dies as soon as he realizes how much his head hurts. “I don't...I don't feel so good, man.”

 

“Like gonna puke not-so-good or...?” Kanji doesn't remember hitting Yosuke in the head that many times or that hard. He's given people concussions before. He's not sure what he'd hoped to accomplish here, but hitting a _friend_ hard enough to potentially fuck up their brain is not one of them.

 

“No, just _cold._ ” The adrenaline is officially dead leaving Yosuke a little too aware of his surroundings. Kanji breathes a tentative sigh of relief. At least there are no head injuries.

 

“Let's get you inside then.” Kanji doesn't have the leverage to check his watch but it has to be after midnight. He's never met Yosuke's parents, but he has a sinking feeling that he'll have a lot of explaining to do rolling in without Teddie and covered in bruises. They climb the stairs up and out of the floodplain in silence but something feels like it's clinked into place. It's cold, but Kanji is warm and gentle. He's softer than the frozen floodplain. He smells like sweat, dirt and Junes Brand Shower Gel for Sensitive Skin. It's a good smell. Ashamed, Yosuke leans on his kouhai, depending on him to get him home. Kanji on the other hand, feels a little proud.

 

Turns out some things _can_ be solved with your fists.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's confused and confused about being confused and he kind of hates Yosuke for making him feel this way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you wanted this to continue, thank a wonderful anon that came by my tumblr. Which, by the way, is the same as my author name. :3

Stupid Kanji and his stupid ass decisions. If they just gone home like he'd asked, Yosuke would be at home in his own bed, drinking normal cough syrup. Nope. Instead, he's sucking down some viscous substance from a brown bottle that Junes doesn't even sell. In fact, he's so sure this stuff is banned in some countries. If it's not it should be on the taste alone. He could have _totally_ made it home with a 39.5 degree fever. The idea of being passed out on the freezing pavement sounds more and more appealing. At least he'd be spared the embarrassment of nearly throwing up on Tatsumi-dono's slippers from the taste of the medicine she so generously gave him. In hindsight, running outside in -25 degree weather without a coat, splashing near frozen water on his face then getting into a fist fight _in the wet snow_ is probably the stupidest decision he's ever made.

 

This month, at least.

 

If he gets Kanji sick, everyone's going to know what happened. How else would they both have the same exact cold expect for literally swapping the same spit? Especially since Kanji had a coat on. Damn, he's going to have to spend his entire Winter Break budget on buying Teddie's silence, isn't he? One dumbass joke out of him and he'll never hear the end of it from Chie or worse, his dad. He already complains that he doesn't have a serious girlfriend. His Dad will implode if Teddie so much as implies Yosuke could've kissed a boy.

 

“Yosuke-senpai? You look kinda pale...” Suddenly Yosuke is aware of how fast he's breathing. His fists slowly unwind and he finds nail marks in his palms. His chest hurts. It's probably all the phlegm rattling around. Shockingly, short, unhinged breathing exacerbates such problems. Who knew? Now he's coughing. Awesome. As if his head doesn't hurt enough already. “Geez, did you leave the planet or something?”

 

“Leave the...what? No.” More coughing. “I was just...” Wow, coughing like a smoker now, hard gasping breathes and all. Cool. Never get tired of this. “Thinking.”

 

“Well think a little less.” Kanji says gruffly. “Doesn't seem like it's good for you.”

 

“Well you must be healthy as a horse then.” Youske spits and he _totally doesn't hear_ Kanji's disappointed sigh. The latter is just too tired to say anything else to him. The mood changes when Tatsumi-dono comes back inside holding her landline phone. She glances between her son and Hanamura-kun with a crease in her brow. Something has happened here. She doesn't want to speculate on her son's behalf, but she'll have answers from him. Eventually. She just has to be patient.

 

“Here, Hanamura-kun, it's your mother.” Tatsumi-dono hands Yosuke the phone, smiling tiredly. She should be asleep. Yosuke can only say so many apologies but it doesn't feel like enough.

 

“YOSUKE!” His mothers voice drives a nail into his throbbing head so hard he can almost taste color. “Do you have _any idea_ how worried we are?!”

 

“I'm sorry, Mom...” Kazuyo Hanamura doesn't give a damn how pitiful Yosuke sounds. She is upset, goddamnit.

 

“Teddie-chan came home _crying_ because he couldn't find you. He was _hysterical_. Do you have any idea how long it took to calm him down? For all we knew, you got hit by a bus or something! And what about poor Chie? You all spent weeks planning something for Christmas Eve only for _you_ to just up and leave! You need to apologize to her too! You're lucky your father's _asleep_ , young man. I have half a mind to put him one phone...” Yosuke tears the phone from his ear. Kanji isn't sure how to feel. “You'd better be home tomorrow morning by 9am _sharp_! And you better _explain_ yourself. Not just to me, but Teddie and your father too. And take something for your fever!” Dial tone follows and awkward silence follows.

 

“She must be very worried.” Tatsumi-dono sounds numb. She holds her hand out for the phone which she receives. She turns to Kanji. Her son knows he's screwed up. He can't even meet her eyes. She raised a son, not a kicked puppy or a bully. Yosuke would rather listen to his mother shriek at him until she's blue in the face than to spend one second under Tatsumi-dono's voiceless disappointment. That glare could wither stone. Yosuke makes sure she's out of ear shot before asking,

 

“She seemed upset.” Not mad, he considers adding, but he smothers it by burying his face in the pillow.

 

“She is.” Kanji says a little to simply. “She probably thinks I'm fighting again. Might take her a few days to get over it, I dunno.” Kanji gets up to roll out his futon and Yosuke decides his head hurts too much to respond. Everything is burning one minute and freezing the next. He's sore, aching and lost. It's only been a hour since he and Kanji crossed a line no one is supposed to cross among friends. Maybe with girls, but not with...there's just boundaries with what you do with guys. He's already crossed that line twice and now he's managed to trip over it with Kanji too. Who's next? _Teddie_? He's hopeless. Despicable, even. He thought he'd stopped this. It's like a sick habit. _He's not like that_. “I'm not sorry though.”

 

“What?”

 

“Not sorry for hitting you. You deserved it.” Kanji expects a defensive, cross response, but instead Yosuke-senpai buries his face in the pillow. The silence last for so long that he's sure the conversation is over until his senpai says,

 

“I know.”

 

Kanji opens his mouth but nothing comes out. Does admitting you were wrong count as having the last word? Shivering, Yosuke burrows into the covers, trying his damnedest to sleep on the too small sofa. Leaving Kanji alone to think about the last four hours.

 

He kissed Yosuke. Out of spite.

 

But still. It was a kiss. _Of course,_ Yosuke is attractive – all his friends are pretty damn hot. _Of course,_ he's charismatic – at his worst, he's a damn kiss-ass. _Of course,_ Kanji looks up to him – he's smarter than he seems. But all that affection is marred by dark pits of frustration where every shitty comment Yosuke has ever made about him rests. Yet, Yosuke isn't the only one who's ever teased him about being less than man, or even implied he was gay. Even Souji-senpai's done it. But it cuts _so much deeper_ when Yosuke says it. Something about the reproach in his eyes burns Kanji more than he wants to admit. That's why he hit him. And kept hitting him. All those little pits feel empty now. All the frustration is spelled out on Yosuke's face. Will they just fill back up and spill over again?

 

Kanji can't think of anything worse.

 

By the time he gets bathed and into a pair of suitable pajamas, Yosuke is sound asleep but still obviously feverish. Probably having a hell of a fever dream if that furrowed brow is anything to go by. Gently, Kanji pushes Yosuke's hair away from his face and touches his forehead just to check how warm he is. He never gets the chance to care because Yosuke sleepily leans into the touch and his pained expression melts into one of ease and comfort. Now, it's probably because Kanji just got out of the shower and his hands are cold, but you can't tell that to Kanji's heart doing backflips in his chest.

 

_Fuck._

 

Without being laid down by anger and rejection, Kanji's heart soars at the thought of Yosuke-senpai relying on him. Like back in the TV World. Something about Yosuke shouting “show them your legend is real!” made him go “fuck yeah!” inside. And sometimes out loud. His insides are going “fuck yeah” again but there are no shadows, no folding chair in his hand, right now it's just soaking up Yosuke's fever. Kanji yanks his hand back like he's been burned and buries himself in his futon. Somewhere between the TV World and Real Life, admiration and aggravation grew so tall and its roots so deep, that they became the same thing. Weeds and flowers look the same when they've coiled onto a chain link fence.

 

This isn't a crush. Crushes are simple. Kanji _deals_ in simple. He's not fit for brooding.

 

Yet, it's 4am and he's staring at his ceiling listening to the sound of Yosuke's ragged mouth breathing, wondering if there's a word for exactly what he's feeling. Angry? It's not hard to be angry at Yosuke-senpai for one reason or another. Frustrated is a good word. It means you've been angry for a long time and it's not as bad as bitter – he's not _that_ mad. Truthfully, he doesn't feel angry anymore. It all just exploded out of him at the riverbank. Hurt? Yeah. In good humor or not, insults hurt. But Kanji isn't some helpless punching bag. He gives as good as he gets. Sad? A little bit. With Yosuke's fever being nearly hospital worthy, he almost wishes he hadn't lost his temper. But in this weather, there's no way he wouldn't have gotten sick dressed like that.

 

He's _confused_ and _confused about being confused_ and he kind of _hates_ Yosuke for making him feel this way. Giving one last glance to his least favorite senpai, he decides not to set an alarm. Out of spite. He can't bring himself to give a shit about Yosuke-senpai's screaming mother. Or the hell they're undoubtedly both catch from their friends. Or any residual guilt. He doesn't care about any of it. He's only known a handful of sleepless nights in his life. You're not supposed to be feel better and worse at the same time. Kanji rolls over onto his stomach and tries to sleep.

 

He vaguely notes the sun coming up when he finally drifts off.

 

Turns out 1:30pm in the afternoon is not “ _9:00am sharp_ ”. Kanji realizes a little too late that some of the feelings he wrested with in the silence of the previous night might not have been _all_ Yosuke's fault. Yosuke is a showman. He makes a scene out of simple things like trash, money and _sleeping in tents._ However, Yosuke desperately hides how panicked he is in the face of his mother's disapproval. Kanji met Yosuke's Dad before. Once. Never his mother. It's easy to see where Yosuke gets all of his looks. He looks just like her, maybe even a little feminine just standing in the front door, single-handedly facing down her disappointment. Her glare is sharp enough to shrivel the boxed cake in his hands.

 

Okay. Maybe he feels a little bad about _this_ part.

 

“What in god's name happened to your faces?” Kanji's mother doesn't ask questions. Certainly not in freezing weather with a sick child on her doorstep.

 

“I'm sorry, mom.” Yosuke offers. God, he sounds like shit. “We just got in a fight, yeah? It's something guys do.” Kanji and Hanamura-san scoff at the same time. Hanamura-san doesn't notice nor does she see the look of betrayal Yosuke throws back to Kanji.

 

“ _Real men_ abide their mothers, young man.” Kazuyo replies sharply. “Your father is livid. He had to _drag_ Teddie to work this morning. Did you know he waited by the door for so long that he fell asleep under the kotatsu last night?” God, she is loud. The few people on the street glance furtively over their shoulders to gawk at the shaming. “Do you have any idea what could have happened if someone saw? I don't need anymore calls from the school, thank you very much.”

 

So Yosuke-senpai hasn't turned in his career form yet. That's not good.

 

“Alright. Get inside you look like death and I don't want you get me or Tatsumi-kun sick.” Kanji says nothing about the tickle in his throat or the fact that he woke up coughing this afternoon. Yosuke goes inside throwing Kanji a look he can't quite interpret. Oh! He must mean give her the cake.

 

“Uhm...sorry for the trouble, Hanamura-san. Mom wanted me to give you this. She thought we wanted to sleep in.” Yosuke watches helplessly as his silent plea sails right over Kanji's head. His mother accepts the cake of course.

 

“No, no Kanji-kun none of this is your fault.” He didn't say it was, _but okay_. “Yosuke knows how to set an alarm.” Yosuke left his phone at Chie's but she either doesn't know or doesn't care. Yosuke bets on the latter. “Tell your mother thank you for me and Happy Christmas.” Kanji scarcely takes a step back before the door slams in his face. He shoves his hands in his pockets and trucks it to Junes.

 

If his mom made cake, he can make some okonomiyaki. It's been a long time since Christmas was on a Sunday.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coming to Junes is the worst idea ever. Yosuke-senpai ruins lives without even being around. That shit takes talent.

Kanji ducks into the nearest dried goods aisle. Why did he think Okonomiyaki is a good idea for Christmas? They have more than enough ingredients to prepare Sukiyaki. Hot pot is so much better for Winter. How did it not cross his mind that he might meet someone he knows in the biggest building in town? Coming to Junes is the worst idea ever. Yosuke-senpai ruins lives without even being around. That shit takes talent.

 

“Kanji-kun!” Rise is like death: inevitable and persistent. “Hey!” Kanji finds himself backed into a corner both literally and figuratively stuck in the intersection between the milk and eggs. It's cold. How fitting. “Why are you running?” Rise has every right to be offended and Kanji is too embarrassed to care. He has two options here: turn around and show Rise-san his face or not turn around and bolt through the emergency exit. For a moment, Kanji seriously considers setting off the store's fire alarm. He hears her cross her arms and he audibly lets out a groaning sigh. He braces himself for the totally predictable response but can't help but roll his eyes in shame when she gasps at the sight of his face.

 

“Oh my god! Kanji!” Rise is a walking scene so she has no problem making one in the middle of the Frozen food aisle. “What did Yosuke-senpai do to your face?!” It's not a stretch. Considering everything Yosuke said last night but she didn't even consider the possibility that it might be mutual. Kanji opens his mouth to respond but Rise has none of it. “That's IT! I am SICK of him acting like this!” Quite an accusation considering she's been in Yokohama with Senpai since August. In a flash, her phone is out and she's already dialing. He pulls the phone from her hands before she can call the cavalry: _Cavalry: (n) Chie-Senpai and Amagi-san._

 

“Would you _relax_?! The whole store's gonna hear you!” He holds up her phone as she jumps for it angrily.

 

“Well, you're just as loud as me!” She's right. They're attracting a lot of stares. Goddamnit. “ _Give me back my phone_.” At a complete loss, he has no clue what to do. Rise's so red that he half expects her hair to burst into flames. Everyone whispers and shakes their heads as if they were right about him all along. He doesn't know why but his mother suddenly crosses his mind. Tatsumi Textiles has never failed or struggled because of his antics. He once beat up an entire biker gang, his face was plastered all over the news. Hell, he nearly died because of it. His mother seemed to chalk it up to youthful exuberance, acting out after his Dad died.

 

Then why did she look so disappointed last night?

 

“Seriously, what happened to you?” Rise softens, sensing his distress. “What did Yosuke-senpai do?” The question snaps Kanji out of his funk.

 

“What makes you think he did _anything_? Do you really think _Yosuke-senpai_ could beat me up?” He really doesn't want to make this about his pride but he really doesn't know what else to do. Even employees are in their business, trying to pretend they aren't listening to their conversation. “We just...it's complicated and we...” Punched each other until we bled. Made out until we couldn't breathe. “...it's just complicated.” There's heat crawling into his cheeks. Rise only gives him an incredulous look. “We _did_ fight. But everything's okay now.” Wow. He's seriously lying to Rise-san's face. “He spent the night at my place 'cause he started feeling sick.” At least that's true.

 

“Well, he _did_ leave without his jacket, it was -18 last night.” There's a “serves him right” somewhere in there. Wow, not even a lick of sympathy, huh? Something about that doesn't sit right with Kanji. “What is his _deal_ with you anyway?”

 

Kanji has no reason to defend Yosuke.

 

“Look, Rise-san,” Even so. He wants to. “Yosuke-senpai is going through some things. He doesn't want to talk about it and I'm not gonna expose him without him knowing. Isn't that kinda like gossip?” It's not a lie. But it's not the truth. Rise isn't satisfied, but she can take a hint.

 

“Well if he's troubled he shouldn't be taking it out on you.” Rise reasons.

 

“Well, I sorta hit him first.” Kanji admits. He watches the wheels turn in Rise's head. It takes her a whole minute to give up the interrogation. Kanji is right. This _is_ complicated. Too complicated to chat about in the middle of Junes and she needs to get this kotatsu replacement plug to her grandmother before they both freeze.

 

“Well, whatever happened...I'm glad you too sorted out before Senpai gets here.” She concedes. “But tell Yosuke-senpai that if he's “going through” something that he should talk to us instead of...whatever last night was.” However unsatisfying this accidental meeting is, she still gives him a friendly pat on the should. “Oh well. Happy Christmas, Kanji.” He bids her goodbye in kind but before she leaves, she turns eyeing him incredulously. “You'd _tell us_ if there was something wrong, right?”

 

“'Course!” Kanji replies a little too enthusiastically. He doesn't realize he's holding a sigh of relief until she disappears around the corner. God, he's even sweating. Hastily, he collects the ponzu sauce he needs and gets the hell out of dodge. His nerves can't take running into someone else he knows.

 

Leaving the TV World is easier than getting out of Junes on Christmas Day. Rise creates a scene wherever she goes. It's different for Kanji. Any scene involving him will get reported to his mother somehow. The only thing that could make this worse is Yosuke's Dad getting a hint that they were talking about him. There's bound to be someone there who will mention it. Even off-hand. Kanji only gets halfway down the road before he starts thinking of scenarios that end with Hanamura-dono in his living room and Yosuke never speaking to him again.

 

[Text-To Y.Senpai] Ran into Rise in Junes. She asked abt you.

 

No response. Not surprising. Yosuke-senpai should be sleeping.

 

[Text-To Y.Senpai] She's mad.

 

Kanji stares at his unresponsive phone the entire walk home.

 

[Text-To Y.Senpai] I didn't tell her.

 

It's futile to wait for an answer in the freezing cold. When he waltzes in, his mother waits for him under the Kotatsu with hot tea and a bowl of oranges. Sometimes, he really wishes he'd inherited her ability to strike the fear of God into people with a _smile_.

 

“Kanjichii,” Oh god. He's in trouble. “I heard you caused a bit of scene at Junes today. I think it's time we had a chat.”

 

Welp. That was fast.

 

Kanji expects a full dressing down but instead they actually have a _chat_. Not just that but it's a been a long time coming. Kanji and his mother talk for _hours_. They talk about the store, their friends and his dad. Her tells her about Yosuke, leaving out details knowing she won't press him for more. Besides, she has an idea of what happened. After all, Kanji wore a coat last night. He shouldn't have that persistent cough that pervades their conversation. There's only one way he could've caught that. It takes a seasoned person to come to these kinds of conclusions. She worries for her son. He puts on a brave face but he's still so young and vulnerable. And what of Hanamura-kun? A third year, no doubt weighed down by high expectations. The urge to meddle is strong even though she knows better. It's nearly midnight when she sends her son to bed with a helping of cough medicine.

 

It's too cold to bother with a bath. So after a shower, Kanji falls face first into bed. He forgot all about his texts until now. There's only one.

 

[Text – Received] Thank you.

 

For what? For telling him about Rise? For not telling Rise about them kissing? Or is he just thanking him because he can? Yosuke really is a lot more complicated than anyone seems to notice. Or maybe he's overthinking things? What are they even supposed to do now? Act like this never happened? Can he accept that? Brooding isn't his style. He needs answers. Hitting him didn't work. So he follows his mom's example instead. Her methods seem more effective, after all.

 

[Text – To Y.Senpai] We need to talk.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote this chapter like...five times.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Whatever doctor said not to bathe after your fever breaks clearly never had a shame wank while fantasizing about someone who punched them in the face."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be sure to heed the new tags.

_Thank you._

 

What a fucking stupid thing to say. Yosuke never even considered the possibility that Kanji would tell anyone what happened. He doesn't even know why he trusts the meat-head to keep his mouth shut, especially after everything that's happened between them. But let's be honest, no one would really jump at the chance to tell everyone they had a knock-down, drag-out brawl only to nearly cry during the ensuing makeout session. You keep that shit private.

 

[Text – Chie] YOU BETTER HAVE A DAMN GOOD REASON FOR ACTING LIKE SUCH A BITCH.

 

[Text – Chie] YOU OWE ME FOR ALL THE WILD SPEED MOVIES, YOU DICK.

 

[Text – Amagi.Y] Chie is very disappointed with you. Please apologize soon.

 

[Text – Amagi.Y] Please apologize to Kanji as well.

 

[Text – Partner] Chie told me what happened. We should talk soon.

 

[Text – Risechii] Super uncool senpai. :/

 

[Text – Risechii] u better not act like this when Souji-senpai gets here.

 

[Text – Shirogane] Less than impressed with your conduct. Do better.

 

Funny, he thought he was. Until now.

 

He's been buried in texts since his fever broke. It doesn't help that Teddie, in his own bizarre form of punishment, read each text _out loud_ in his best rendition of each of their voices. The only thing that saves him from his mother is the bouts of unconsciousness that interrupt his rounds of apology texts. He deserves this. He's content to wallow in self pity. Until Tatsumi Kanji descends from the heavens and parts the dark clouds with a half-hearted text about a chance meeting he would've been better off not knowing about. But like a leech, Yosuke clings to the only positive thing he'd seen all day.

 

Men aren't supposed to be this desperate. They don't cry after a kiss. That's the kind of stuff that happens in Shoujo Manga and his mom's midday dramas. They don't go weak after a second of tenderness and start to crave it like some depraved parasite. He's greedy. Yosuke doesn't feel relieved or angry anymore. He just feels empty. _Again._ His heart screams to be filled with _literally anything else._

 

It wants to be pressed against the floor again, not buried in snow but tangled up in muscular arms and legs, grinding crotch to crotch. Kanji is younger than him but he could lose his breath trapped under his body. His hands are big enough for just his right hand to wrap around both of Yosuke's wrists and pin them to the ground. With his body now painfully aware of the calluses on Kanji's hands, all it wants is that insidious left hand to start wandering. Yosuke is positive Kanji doesn't even realize that his hands went under his shirt, caressed his face and raked through his hair. Under the blood and snot, Yosuke tasted Peach Tomomasu and Tohato Popcorn. He's lost in sensory overload after one sloppy, bloody, teeth clacking kiss. It took him a month before he masturbated to Souji. One kiss is all it takes now. This has to be a record.

 

The hot wash of shame is still the same. The hot tears streaking down his face never change. But the body he wants pressed against his own is the only thing that changes. He grinds into his right hand covering his face with the left. He can't tell the difference between crying and moaning until Kanji's name leaping out of his mouth and bounces off the walls. _Goddamit._ Yosuke bites his hand. The pain doesn't help. Kanji kissed him to prove a point. He doesn't want him, not after everything Yosuke put him through. All the things he said. Everything he's done. Yosuke is _finally_ aware that he is lucky that Kanji is even willing to forigve him much less consider him his friend.

 

He starts stroking harder. He doesn't deserve it but he's so weak for it. This always happens. Someone shows him the least bit of kindness and he leeches onto them. He feels like he means something. First Saki, then Souji, now Kanji. There are names for people like him. He hears them said behind his back, he reads them in every girl that thinks he's too close to their Souji-senpai. He's even seen it in Rise. He's faced his true self, he's overcome life or death struggles, helped save Inaba. _The Yosuke that lived to punch a god in the face is nothing but a slut for affection._

 

Yosuke comes so forcefully, he has to spit blood onto his pillow. He's breathing so hard, dried blood from last night flies from his nose even though he can barely breathe through it. He's boneless before that throbbing headaches settles back in. He can wipe the cum on his sheets, but the blood isn't stopping. Fuck. He's such an idiot. He doesn't want to get up. But he can't just put this carnage off on a nose bleed. Not when his hand is swollen. It'll bruise like his face if it's not careful. Everyone is going to see this tomorrow. He might as well start handing out front row tickets to his shame now.

 

He never thought he'd be thankful for his house's lack of central heating. The low rumble of everyone sitting at the kotatsu downstairs means he can pass the gap between his room and the bathroom in peace. He'll be helping with the laundry tonight. It won't be suspicious _at all_ when he dumps a bloody t-shirt and cum soaked underwear into the wash at 10 o'clock at night.

 

Whatever doctor said not to bathe after your fever breaks clearly never had a shame wank while fantasizing about someone who punched them in the face. He considers dousing himself in cold water but won't risk getting carted off the the Emergency Room. Showering and bandaging himself comes with practiced efficiency. He tells himself it's because of a year going in and out of the TV World and laughs mirthlessly at his ugly black and blue face. He's had worse, but he _feels_ worse.

 

Walking out with nothing but a pile of laundry and a towel isn't the best idea. He's still fast on his feet and with the laundry safely turning about in the washing machine, he's back in his room in record time. It's cold again. The blankets and pajama pants won't be enough.

 

_This is a bad time_ to dig up the orange hoodie Souji sent him for his birthday. It's been hanging in the closet ever since it dipped below 5 degrees but he's determined to wear it tomorrow in a desperate bid to show his best friend how much it means to him. The fact that it'll be below freezing until February is irrelevant. He just wants to be warm. Souji...Souji's hoodie... _the hoodie that Souji gave him_...makes him feel like a hug on a hot Summer day after crying into someone's shoulder.

 

That's not super-specific _at all_.

 

_It's not like_ putting on that hoodie makes him remember how it feels to be held. _It's not like_ he's completely fucking defenseless against simple human affection. His heart _didn't_ do backflips when Kanji helped him up. He _didn't_ feel relieved when Kanji let him lean against him to get home. He totally _wasn't_ half-awake when Kanji laid his hand on his forehead to check if he still had a fever. This is all he is. He couldn't have Souji now he's just attached himself to Kanji. What's he going to do when Kanji doesn't want him?

 

Why would Kanji even want him in the first place?

 

Desperate for warmth now, Yosuke buries himself under the covers. He's alone. He and Teddie don't even share a room anymore. His mind wonders dangerously to the times he'd wake up and find Teddie curled against his side. It was just _nice_ to have _someone_ there next to him, not curled up in bed _alone_ listening to the sounds of Christmas Revelry where _everyone is perfectly happy without him_. He considers not even going tomorrow. He has an excuse. Souji might ask about him but no one will care. No one wants him there and he doesn't blame them. It's not like he didn't make an ass of himself last night. No one wants to watch him pretend like he doesn't want to throw himself all over Souji. He should spare Kanji the embarrassment of explaining everything that happened last night. No one should be caught with the Hug-Whore of Inaba.

 

He nearly misses the low buzz of his phone in his downward spiral. The sudden distraction might as well be a life preserver. Kanji. Yosuke stifles a smile. It's just nice to know that someone is thinking of him while he's on a midnight bender of self doubt. That's what he liked about Souji. _Goddamnit. No. Stop that_. He doesn't even consider leaving it for morning even though they all agreed to meet as early as 10am tomorrow.

 

[Text] - We need to talk.

 

_Well_ – Yosuke Supposes – _Can't argue with that._

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If best friends – partners – tell each other everything, why is he stuck eavesdropping?"

Yosuke tells Souji _everything_. Souji _likes_ that Yosuke tells him _everything_. So naturally when Souji gets a load of Kanji and Yosuke's matching bruises, it's clear that Yosuke _hasn't told him everything_ and has no intention of telling him _anything_.

 

Everyone is gracious enough to take Yosuke's apology at face value. He's sincere, of course. But that split second glance to Kanji – who just nods knowingly – sets Souji's skin buzzing. It's an itch he can't scratch. There's never been a day that he doesn't know what's going on in Inaba since he arrived last year. Now there's a black mark on his perfect record and it involves his closest friends.

 

Yosuke is sentenced to a day's worth of jokes at his expense for his behavior. A fitting punishment, one would think. Yet, he doesn't put much fervor into his self defense, the fun is quickly lost on Chie who moves on to the subject of their Second Annual Omelet Cook-Off.

 

So she's noticed too.

 

Out of everyone, Kanji has the right to be the most offended and yet he hovers around Yosuke like a ghost. Leaving Souji to wonder exactly what happened between them to warrant glancing at each other like that every five fucking seconds. To be fair, Kanji and Yosuke look like death warmed over but Yosuke exemplifies the expression with his gasping coughs muffled by his sneeze mask and the crook of his arm.

 

Rise warned him about this. She called him last night. Apparently, she ran into Kanji at Junes yesterday. Even though he insisted that he and Yosuke reconciled, Rise is sure that there is something wrong. Apparently Yosuke is “going through something” and Souji has no idea what that something is. _Yosuke doesn't keep secrets from him_ and yet he's gone out of his way to be alone with Kanji when they arrive at the shrine. They think no one can hear them when they're getting a headstart on New Years wishes. Souji _just happens_ to overhear them.

 

“You okay?” Kanji asks. Yosuke doesn't have to answer. “I mean...you're pretty sick, you shoulda stayed home.” Kanji keeps on, fueled by Yosuke's silence. “At least wear something different, it's snowing and all you have is a freakin' sweatshirt. Sambomaster's great and everything but it's not gonna mean shit if you're face first in the snow.” Wow. That came out _way_ harsher than intended. Yosuke doesn't bother to justify the hoodie. They both know why he's wearing it and it's pathetic. Endearingly so, Souji thinks.

 

“You're bad at this.” Yosuke notes gloomily. Kanji snorts. He wasn't trying to be _good_ at it. “When you said we'd talk I didn't realize it'd be a lecture.” Even though he totally deserves it. Kanji breaks the pretense of prayer and stares at Yosuke.

 

“Really? We're gonna do this now?” He balks innocently.

 

“Not it was a...I was being...” Yosuke turns to Kanji's blank face and watches his joke sail helplessly over Kanji's head. Souji knows how this conversation should end, with Yosuke rolling his eyes and saying something sassy, maybe even a little mean with Kanji being confused but angry, shouting after his senpai for being a dick. Yosuke opens his mouth to say something and continue their same old routine. Kanji squares his shoulders ready to catch it and fling it back. But Yosuke reconsiders. Sighing tiredly giving the back of his head a scratch, he says, “I was just being sarcastic, Kanji.”

 

Suddenly, Kanji has no idea what to say. Even worse, Yosuke takes his silence as a cue to leave and does so with a slap to his kouhai's shoulder. He gets about 3 steps away before Kanji's brain reboots and he stammers back to life. He catches Yosuke by the arm, pulling him closer, and making it impossible to escape.

 

“So...when _are_ we gonna talk?” Kanji asks a little too loudly. Yosuke shrugs helplessly for a moment.

 

“I dunno. Later.” Yosuke insists and tries to move away. Kanji doesn't appreciate being blown off and keeps Yosuke rooted to the spot, holding him accountable for his words. Yosuke's small whine of protest goes unheeded. He weighs the stakes and gives in. Kanji has paid for his insecurities for long enough. “ _Later_ , man...like I dunno...” He sighs. “Tomorrow.” Yosuke builds his confidence. “Yeah tomorrow. Souji's hanging out with Nanako tomorrow. I'll pound some cough syrup and drop by we can...like...you know...talk.” Yosuke waits for Kanji to take the graciously offered olive branch.

 

“Tonight.” He deflates when it's all but thrown away.

 

“What?” He bleats through clenched teeth.

 

“Tonight.” Kanji repeats. “You get some medicine in you after we split and we'll talk _tonight_.” He's pushing it. Yosuke doesn't like ultimatums. This is usually the part where he lashes out, tells Kanji to go fuck himself and storms off. Yosuke just sags. All the fight has gone out of him.

 

“Fine.” Yosuke's admission of defeat pries Kanji's hand off his arm leaving the younger boy to wonder if he came on a little too strong. “Tonight.”

 

Okay. _What the fuck was that?_ Souji reels with burning curiosity. What happened Saturday night? Okay, they fought. That much is obvious. Something happened after and now Kanji knows something about Yosuke that he doesn't. If Best friends – partners – tell each other everything, why is he stuck _eavesdropping_? The fox nips at him for petting too hard, leaving Souji to watch the two quietly converse before he decides needs answers _now_.

 

He has three choices: Confront Yosuke, confront Kanji or leave it be. He has to act quickly. Yosuke is practically dead on his feet and his defenses are low. So as Yosuke lags behind the trek to Junes, Souji pounces.

 

“Hey.” An awkward start. As if Yosuke could judge him for it.

 

“Hey, partner!” His favorite nickname. “Something up?” Yosuke is already trying to laugh something off and Souji hasn't even asked anything. Maybe if he acts as carefree as possible, he'll convince himself everything is okay.

 

“Nah, nothing. Just wanted to check on you.” Souji _almost_ feels guilty when his partner laughs a little too loudly and scratches the back of his head. “You and Kanji kinda look like shit.”

 

“ Well we kinda _feel_ like shit.” Yosuke replies with a shrug, thinking Souji will leave it at that. To his credit, he adds, “but I think everything's gonna be fine. I mean...we made up and everything so...” Souji won't buy that for another minute.

 

“Really?” He asks. The question hits it's mark. Yosuke falters; suddenly realizing he has no control over this conversation. A flush breaks over his cheeks and he opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Souji shows no mercy. He wants answers. “Cause you two seemed like you were still arguing over at the shrine.” Yosuke stops walking.

 

Checkmate.

 

“You were listening to us?” Souji catches that moment of wide eyed, wild panic. It's _almost_ an accusation, but Yosuke isn't in a position to stir up more conflict. Frantically, he looks away as everyone turns the corner without them. He wants out. He considers saying nothing and just bolting down the street to join their friends.

 

“What's going on with you?” Souji sinks his teeth in. “First there's the party then you and Kanji apparently went to town on each other's faces.” _Oh you have no idea._ “Now Rise is convinced there's something wrong with you.” _The hell does Rise have to do with any of this?!_ Yosuke thinks frantically. “And what happened to your hand? Kanji's head isn't _that_ hard.” The walls are closing in. Yosuke's heart hammers in his chest and won't slow down. Hot prickles climb up his cheeks making him sweat. His chest is still full of thick phlegm and it rumbles with each shaky, shallow breath. “We're starting to get concerned.” _ABORTABORTABORT._

 

“Well, going all Conversation Assassin is a weird way of showing it.” Yosuke snaps. Much to Souji's shock. That moment of stunned hesitation is Yosuke's only way out. “That's not cool, Souji.” Yeah. First name. He just went there. “And I happen to be an expert on dick moves lately.” Yosuke lays down his counterattack. “Not every problem in Inaba is your business.” Yosuke disengages are snap turns on his heel before Souji can get another word in edgewise.

 

What the hell just happened?

 

It doesn't surprise Kanji that Souji and Youske lag behind. He assumes they have a lot to talk about. What _does_ surprise him is the skin prickling pall in the air that follows them. No one else seems to notice, gleefully going on about how they'll finally watch all the Wild Speed movies tonight if Yosuke-senpai promises to be good. Yosuke offers some lighthearted response in return but Kanji sees right through it. The flush on his cheeks is back in spite of the pallor of his skin. Yosuke-senpai's fever might come back. Calling him out would probably just make a scene. Honestly, Kanji is tired of scenes.

 

When did Yosuke-senpai get so good at pretending everything is okay? Kanji doesn't get the pretending. There's no point, no _benefit_ to this stupid little show. If he didn't know his senpai any better he'd call him a liar. Yosuke carries on with his usual jokes and complaints but he slouches in his chair, occasionally rubbing his forehead or blinking rapidly around the pain in his swollen, purple nose. Man, he should really get that checked out. Kanji glances down at his own swollen knuckles. Yosuke didn't hit him hard enough to warrant that bandage on his hand.

 

“What? No!” Chie exclaims outrage. “Deckard is TOTALLY cooler than Torretto. The mini gun is scene is SO cool!”

 

“I'm with Rise-san.” Naoto chimes in. “Torretto is a tour-de-force. A man who values family above all else. Truly admirable.” With a solid pat to Souji-senpai's shoulder, she adds. “He reminds me of Seta-san.” Souji hisses with good humored disappointment.

 

“Sorry Naoto-chan but Hobbs is the best.” Choruses of disagreement sound off. Except Yosuke. He struggles to cope with the loud outbursts, rubbing his temples. The missed whimper of pain sets off Kanji's temper like a firework. He wants to slam his hands on the table and shout at Yosuke until he finally goes home and rests, for fucks sake! “...What do you think Kanji?”

 

Choice #2: Approach Kanji.

 

“What, huh?” Kanji was miles away. His defense are down. “...uh yeah, Brian. No question.” Chie is really on her own with favoring Deckard but she sticks by her decision.

 

“Just checking, you kinda zoned out on us for a moment there.” Souji adds. “You were staring at Yosuke so hard I thought you were trying to read his mind or something.” He smiles, radiating concerned innocence. “You guys okay? You seem quiet.”

 

Six pair of eyes fix Kanji and Yosuke to their seats. Expectant hush follows and Kanji is left stammering in response. No. They aren't okay. Souji can tell and he's chomping at the bit to get some answers out of them. Chie's toothy smile grinds together, a clear message not to mess this up. Kanji swears her eyes glow red for a moment.

 

“Can you blame us?” Yosuke blurts out trying his best to remain nonchalant. “I mean, you guys are going bald guy to bald guy. There's a reason Brian was the main character.” He glances at Kanji. “C'mon, man, think about it. Like...until the actor died, he was in almost every movie.”

 

“Not the third one.” Yukiko notes, taking the bait.

 

“Yeah, well, the third one sucks.” Yosuke replies without missing a beat. It does suck. It wasn't even _filmed_ in Tokyo. “And what about Han? You can't tell me that Han isn't cooler than like...most of the cast.” Yosuke says something else but Kanji doesn't quite catch it when Yosuke bumps his knee with his. Grateful, Kanji bumps right back. That's probably the most graceful deflection ever and Yosuke wasted it on giving Kanji an out. He opens his mouth to say something else but the way Souji-senpai stares at him makes him reconsider.

 

And he keeps staring - even when he's answering other people's questions about living back in Yokohama and dating Rise. Kanji tries to keep up the act but even in this weather, he's sweating. He knows he's being called out but he doesn't know for what. Is senpai mad at him? Does he think he started the fight between him and Yosuke? What were they even talking about when they stayed behind earlier? Yosuke-senpai can't offer anymore help, having stopped talking in favor off nursing his pounding temples. The longer the conversation goes, the worse off Yosuke-senpai is. It's cold. He can't possibly be comfortable. This can't be good for him. Yosuke was right. They can talk tomorrow. For now, Yosuke-senpai needs to go home.

 

“Hey, I'm gonna get some food, who wants to come with?” Kanji offers. Discretion is the better part of valor, he supposes, but he feels like he running away. Yosuke's no fool so he hefts himself to his feet. It's the best excuse they can think of.

 

“Yeah, give a list of who wants what. Naoto-kun, do you have some paper?” Wow in about thirty minutes Yosuke's voice took a serious downturn. The rattle in his chest is back.

 

“Hey, Yosuke-senpai.” Kanji starts looking back over his shoulder. “Why don't we get you something to take with your food, you're lookin' kinda pale.” Simple. Discrete. Yosuke approves.

 

“Sure, yeah.” Yosuke says with a shrug of his shoulders. “I'm not feeling too hot. Think we could eat inside?” He offers, taking great pains to hide the tremor in his voice. He's so cold. He's shaking all over. As long as he's casual about it, he's fine. Some basic cold medicine ought to kill the fever. He doesn't think his stomach can take Omelet Cookout Round Two. His stomach churns dangerously at the thought. His mouth fills with saliva and he swallows sharply. Kanji and Yosuke leave the group to make good on their promise to get food. Yosuke glances over his shoulder to make sure they're alone.

 

“Thanks.” He nudges Kanji. “I was fine until everyone started shouting.” That's bullshit but a small stab of guilt keeps Kanji from calling him on it. Maybe he rushed the whole “talking” thing. Yosuke looks like he might topple over any minute.

 

“Yeah, you should head home, senpai.” Kanji replies. “We can talk later, I guess. I just...didn't want you to chicken out on me.”

 

“Can't really blame you for that.” Yosuke adds with a shrug. “I don't exactly have the best record.” He tries to sniffle. The sounds of his ragged coughing make Kanji cringe. God, he sounds terrible. “Besides, I can't go home just yet. Partner's acting really weird. I think if I bail now it'll only make him suspicious. He knows something's up and he doesn't like being kept in the dark.” He hesitates. Kanji sees his worry mirrored in Yosuke's eyes and nearly reaches out to catch Yosuke's shaking hands in his own. _Fuck. Okay Where the hell did that come from? Focus, Tatsumi!_ Yosuke chews on his lip worriedly. “I should've seen this coming.”

 

“Seen what coming?” Souji knows damn well he's not invited to this little conversation but he doesn't care. He smiles at his two friends radiating innocent concern. “Sorry,” He says with a jauntiness he doesn't feel. “Chie had some complaints about the sick guy being the one that gets the food.” Yosuke is too tired to call Souji on his bullshit. Kanji is disappointed. He looks up to Souji-senpai. He admires him. But right now? He's being so... _nosy_.

 

Yosuke never swore Kanji to secrecy. Nevertheless, he just _knows_ that Yosuke _isn't ready_ and there's a _reason_ for that. Kanji even doesn't know what that reason is and he's okay with that! Souji-senpai, however, clearly _is not_. Well, too bad. It's not about Souji. This is between him and Yosuke and that's how it's going to stay until they're both ready.

 

“You know it's good to see you two getting along after what happened on Christmas Eve.” Souji wastes no time. “Rise was convinced there was something _wrong_ with you guys.” He reiterates his earlier point with Yosuke who doesn't respond. Kanji doesn't risk a look backwards even if he really wants to. “She was really worried after she talked to you yesterday, Kanji-kun.”

 

“I mean considering how busted my face looks, I'm not surprised.” Kanji doesn't have to lie. Rise was aggressive, sure, but only because she was concerned for his well-being. Souji stops walking pivoting to confront Kanji in the deserted cold medicine aisle. Yosuke runs into Kanji's back when he follows suit.

 

“Yeah, you guys didn't call anyone that night so _Rise_ had to make sure everyone knew you two were okay.” Souji adds.

 

Okay. This is ridiculous. First of all, that's not true. Second, he can't believe Souji is using his girlfriend as shield to wade into the waters of _none of his fucking business_. He's seriously trying to guilt trip the two of them into telling him exactly what happened. There's no reason for him to know! Its between _him and Yosuke_ and that's how it's going to stay. Subterfuge wears him down. He's not good at it. He hates it. They fought _gods_ for the right to be true to themselves and now he's tiptoeing around a conversational minefield like they're in some stupid tv drama. He's got no choice. Souji won't stop until he knows exactly what's happened and Yosuke isn't in the shape to keep this up. He's not keeping secrets but some things just aren't anyone's business. Even your friends. He just can't take this anymore.

 

“Why is this such a big deal to you, senpai?” Kanji instinctively squares his shoulders. Yosuke blanches. This is his _Dad's store_. His dad is somewhere in here _right now_. They can't make a scene _in his Dad's Store_. Not about last night. _Not about this_. He started another fight. Chie is going to kill him.

 

“The big deal is you're keeping secrets from your friends. That's not like you.” Souji says levelly. If Kanji is ready to do battle, so is he. “Look. Whatever happened Saturday night...”

 

“If something _did_ happen, it would be between Yosuke and me. Because I'm a man of my word, you know that!” Yosuke's chest seizes when Kanji raises his voice. He wants to say something, _anything_ to break this up. It's going to be so bad. So bad. Are people staring? They have to be by now. He's so hot. Their stares burn. He doesn't want to look up. He can't.

 

“No offense, Kanji but it kind of stopped being between the two of you after I got a look at what you've done to each other.” Yosuke forgets to breathe. Oh fuck. He's knows. Souji knows doesn't he? And why wouldn't he, after what happened between them last year? Of course, Souji would know the M.O. of Inaba's Affection Slut. He was the second known victim, after all. He's the only _survivor_. Yosuke's world tilts violently. Hot and cold hits him at the same time. His brain screams for an escape. His chest is so tight. He can't breathe. Oh god. _He can't breathe!_

 

“You don't get to just decide what is an isn't your business, senpai.” Kanji realizes just in time that his hands are in fists and forces himself to take a deeps breath. He has to disengage before he gets too angry. He has a feeling that a brawl in the middle of a department store won't have the same result it does on the Samegawa Floodplain. “I'm going to take Yosuke-senpai home and when I come back, I don't wanna talk about this again.” He reaches over to Yosuke, only to hit air. There's no one there. Yosuke fled and neither of them noticed. Argument suddenly forgotten, Kanji and Souji glance around with increasing alarm.

 

“Yosuke?”

 

Outside, Chie's stomach growls loudly. The girls have been waiting patiently for their food and the boys have been taking _forever_. She briefly wonders if they're having trouble picking out what medicine to get for Yosuke. Is it any wonder he's getting worse just wearing a hoodie in this cold? She should make him go home soon, she doesn't want those germs anywhere near the Omelet Cook Off.

 

“Ugh! C'mon, what is taking them so long? The line can't possibly be that long, there's no one here this time of day.” She whines.

 

“They aren't that great at picking snacks. You know how Kanji is about Tohato. Caramel or nothing.” Rise says. It's the only explanation she can think of. She checks her phone it's been nearly an _hour_.

 

“Do you think it was a good idea for them to go by themselves?” Noato asks suddenly. She flinches instantly having the entire group's attention on her. “I...I only meant after everything that's happened. I just...don't want them...getting out of hand?” She offers, losing steam in her reasoning. “Seta-senpai has been acting strange today. Kanji and Yosuke only just patched things up. But I know he wants to know how well they're getting along now.”

 

“They're probably pretty sick of everyone trying to check on them. Yosuke looked like he as ready to fall asleep.” Yukiko adds with a loud giggle. “We should send him home, I think we've punished him enough, don't you think, Chie?”

 

“Yeah, I mean Teddie made sure he was good and sorry, didn't you Teddie?” Chie rubs the bear's head affectionately and he practically sparkles.

 

“Yep! I made sure that Yosuke felt _good and sorry._ ” Teddie announces proudly. The Girls cringe.

 

“Maybe don't say it like that?” Chie offers. “Well when we send him home, it's your job to make sure he rests and doesn't do anything stupid, got it?”

 

“Yosuke Duty. Day 2! I'm on it.” Teddie gives her a backwards salute. Chie's stomach growls again.

 

“Seriously though, I need snacks! What's the hold...” She's cut off by the shrill cry of sirens overpowering the Junes theme song. She hates that sound. It reminds her of thick fog and desperation. With the cold, it reminds her of the desperate race to the Dojima house only to find the house empty. You don't hear sirens in Inaba often. The store's remaining patrons look on murmuring to each other in shock as the ambulance screeches to a halt at the front entrance. A group of part time employees, one of whom Chie recognizes as her next door neighbor, ferry the emergency responders inside. Before they can guess what's happening, there's a loud, gruff clearing of the throat behind them. Hanamura-dono, Yosuke's father, stands behind them haggard and stone-faced.

 

“I thought I'd find you all here. You'd all better come with me.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, Souji is NOT the villain in this story.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The World's Most Uncomfortable Silence follows; which is weird because everyone wants to fucking scream.

Have you ever been in a room that you couldn't stand to be in but couldn't leave? Kanji must've spent five days maybe even a week stuck in the TV World's bathhouse, running wild, confused out of his mind and relentlessly mocked and shamed by disembodied voices. He still has nightmares. He never saw Yosuke's shadow, in fact, he doesn't even remember ever being told about it. Even so, he imagines it would be something like this. Hanamura-dono doesn't shout like his wife does. He doesn't need to. Arms crossed, grimace set, Hanamura Osamu is a monument to parental disappointment.

 

“What the hell were you thinking?” Everyone winces at once. “A forty degree fever nearly two days in a row. You know if Tatsumi and Seta hadn't gone to look for you, you would have been just been passed out for a customer to find you. Do you have any idea of how much a nightmare that would've been? Your carelessness is unacceptable. People in this town _barely_ have a good opinion of our family, now they're going to say that I can't even take care of my own son.” They're all trapped in here with Yosuke and his shame. They try to share his pain but they know better than to speak up. That will only make this worse. “With you gallivanting around town in the snow in nothing but a goddamn sweatshirt. Did you think the hood was going to protect you from -18 weather? Teddie has enough sense to dress well, I would think my flesh and blood has enough goddamn sense to follow a good example.” They don't mean to watch, but they're afraid to leave. Even the nurse hides behind her clipboard.

 

“I'm sorry, Dad.” It's all Yosuke can say.

 

“I know you're sorry but are you going to apologize?” Everyone flinches again. Hanamura-dono clears his throat. Yosuke doesn't take the hint until he lifts his head and looks at everyone's stricken faces. Kanji has only seen this bleak expression once before; an emptiness that makes even Souji-senpai falter when he opens his mouth to speak.

 

“I'm sorry, guys.” Yosuke is still breathless. He really should be wearing that oxygen mask. “I didn't mean to ruin your plans again.” Hanamura-dono isn't impressed. but as the silence stretches on everyone slowly realizes that they're supposed to respond.

 

“It's okay, Yosuke.” Chie pipes up. She wants to add more but Hanamura-dono's burning disapproval makes the words stick in her throat.

 

“We just hope you feel better soon.” Yukiko recovers for her. Yosuke tries a reassuring smile and fails.

 

“Well, he's going to have to stay overnight after his little...” Hanamura-dono forgets what the word is for finding Yosuke gasping for air and passing out in Souji's arms in the Junes bathroom. He waves a hand at the nurse. “What's was it called again, sweetheart?” The nurse makes a face.

 

“A _panic attack_ , sir. They're bad enough -”

 

“A panic attack?!” Hanamura-dono bleats incredulously. Yosuke who doesn't even flinch. They're just watching someone take a beating without fighting back. Kanji wills Yosuke to look at him. He wants to offer some kind of comfort but his senpai just stares at his hands. He doesn't know how to feel. He's still a little angry at Yosuke, but he's even angrier at himself for just watching this. At least in the TV World you can beat up a shadow. “Just _what the hell_ do _you_ have to panic about?”

 

“Yosu...” Kanji's mouth moves before he can think of what to say. Whatever it was is cut off by Souji-senpai tugging hard on his jacket. Pleading eye contact and a shake of the head is all Kanji needs to keep his mouth shut. Hanamura-dono checks his watch and sighs, running a hand through his graying hair. Hanamura-dono has to be ten years older than his wife, if not more.

 

“I have to go back to work.” Hanamura-dono says. “Your mother will be around to get you a change of clothes.” He strolls out of the room, ruffling Teddie's hair roughly without even looking at him. “Make sure he keeps the _panic_ to a minimum, buddy.” The door slams behind him.

 

The World's Most Uncomfortable Silence follows; which is weird because _everyone wants to fucking scream_. They felt brave against murderers and actual gods but they're silent at the wrath of an angry parent. They're all cowards. Even the nurse just stands there with her clipboard pressed against her lips. Souji wants to be the first to speak. He longs to be the voice of reason he's always been. But all he can think of it how badly he wants to apologize. This is his fault. Of course Yosuke hid this from him. Why wouldn't he after the way he acted? He opens his mouth to speak but is surprised to find a lump in his throat. He reconsiders. Kanji notices but only silently takes his share of the blame. He's ashamed of himself. What would he have said to Hanamura-dono if Souji-senpai let him speak? Probably nothing useful. He'd just make it worse.

 

Yosuke has given up. His face is drained of color by fever and shock. His fever isn't quite broken so he's still shaking. The oxygen mask is helping him breathe but it sounds awful. He's distressingly lucid and so _weak_. Maybe Hanamura-dono was so angry because he didn't see everything. He didn't see the tearful panic in Yosuke's eyes or hear the wheezing scream he let out when Kanji made an ill-advised attempt to grab him. The blood drained from his face, the wheezing turned to gurgles and Kanji nearly panicked himself when Yosuke's eyes rolled to the back of his head. If Morita from the janitorial staff hadn't heard them shout, Yosuke could've fallen completely unconscious without breathing. Kanji has to shake that possibility from his head or else it will lead down a dark path he doesn't have the heart to travel. Besides, Souji may already be walking it for the both of them if that thousand yard stare is anything to go by.

 

“Guys.” Chie manages to break the silence, scaring the hell out of everyone. With all eyes on her, hers are on Yosuke. “I wanna speak to Yosuke alone.” No one moves. “ _I said_ _I wanna speak to our idiot alone_.” Yukiko and Naoto only need to be told twice. Naoto has to tug on Rise's sleeve to get her to move. Teddie makes that weird growl in the back of his throat. “Go, Ted. I'm not gonna kill him.” She says not looking back at him, but apparently that's all the reassurance Teddie needs. When Souji and Kanji don't move, she turns to them. Something great about women is that even the toughest one still has the capacity to be gentle. He's always admired that about Chie-senpai, the toughest person he knows. He sees that gentleness now in her sad but reassuring smile. “You guys go.” She says quietly. “I got this.”

 

Upon leaving, they only get about half way down the recovery wing hallway until Kanji stops and tries to process everything that just happened. Souji feels the same way, sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose. With the anger and panic gone, guilt remains.

 

“We are such assholes.” Kanji says. Souji buries his face in his hands.

 

“I know.” He groans.

 

“Like, that was probably the worst way that could've gone.” Kanji reiterates. .

 

“I knooow.” Souji laments. “I don't even know what came over me. I never – I've never...” He sighs in defeat. “ _Fuck._ ”

 

“Right?!”

 

“Fuck!” Souji doesn't consider his volume in a hospital but no one is around to scold him. “He's never going to speak to me again.”

 

“I wouldn't go that far.” Kanji admonishes. Souji gives him a beat and then sighs defeatedly.

 

“No, you're right.” He concedes, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I've hit him with actual lightning before and _he_ apologized to _me_.”

 

“You? I beat the shit out him and he still talks to me.” Kanji runs a hand through his hair. This is not something they should be talking about in public. “That's not healthy, right? He should be a little mad.”

 

“How do we know he's not?” Souji asks.

 

“You _know_ he's not.” Kanji says.

 

“ _Fuck_.”

 

“ _Right?_ ”

 

They stand there for a moment, wallowing in a little bit of self pity. Souji isn't stupid. Now that he's come to his senses, he knows exactly what must've happened between them. Otherwise why would Kanji go out of his way to defend Yosuke's honor? Especially against such odd behavior. Souji has never been so petty. He didn't know he had it in him. Frankly, he can't believe everything he's done. To think that he was so confused as to why Yosuke snapped at him.

 

Souji glances at Kanji. That earnest face, never able to keep a secret or hide what he's really feeling. If Yosuke was his first friend, then Kanji was the one who taught him to be a good one. Kanji and Yosuke have hung out a lot since he's been gone. Even when he was here, Yosuke, Kanji and Teddie were a package deal. Did he honestly think Yosuke would wait for him to come back like a pet? He supposes that he was a little prideful. Who wouldn't be?

 

He knows that every girl wanted the mysterious transfer student. At the time, he thought Yosuke's attraction to him was little more than a novelty. He figured every shitty little comment Yosuke made and every grand overcompensating gesture was just par for the course for _those kinds of people_. God, what a terrible thing to think about a friend. Not just friends, but anyone. How many people did he hurt without realizing it? Maybe he could've prevented this all from happening if he'd just talked with Yosuke instead of burying it. He's hurt Kanji just as much as Yosuke just by not doing anything. He can't face Yosuke like this.

 

“Not every problem in Inaba is your business.” Souji repeats. Kanji turns to him quizzically with a small “hm?” “Nothing. It's just...something Yosuke said earlier today. He was right too.” He needs to stop being surprised every time that happens. Souji turns to Kanji. “Listen whatever happened between you and Yosuke is your business and...” He bows a little, ignoring Kanji's protests. “I'm really sorry for the way I acted.” Kanji can only look away. Scratching the back of his head, he accepts the apology, but not without conditions.

 

“I don't think I'm the one you need to apologize to, Senpai.” He replies. Souji straightens and sighs ruefully for the 1000th time.

 

“I don't think I can face him right now.” He says. Fair enough, Kanji thinks. They both have a lot to make up for. “I'm gonna go find Teddie. If Yosuke has to stay overnight, he'll want his headphones. I'll start there.” _Oh shit, that's a great idea._ Kanji is a little mad he didn't think of it first. “What're you going to do?”

 

“I'm going to wait here. In case his mother comes around.” Kanji says. He can't imagine leaving Yosuke alone with another one his parents in his state. If Christmas Day is anything to go by, they'll hear her shrieking all the way to Okina. “Maybe get him some decent food if he can take it.” Souji is a little surprised. Kanji hates hospitals. Yet he's willing to stay here alone for an undetermined amount of time for Yosuke's sake.

 

Interesting.

 

Souji pats Kanji on the shoulder and makes to leave, but he stops himself. If Kanji and Yosuke need to talk alone, he understands but he's apprehensive. They can be a bit volatile when they're together. Like a shield and sword. They work brilliantly together but on opposites sides? Souji can't help but worry. Still, he doesn't trust himself to meddle any further. “Hey...what ever Yosuke and you need to discuss, don't...push him, okay?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Just be patient with him.” Souji entreats. “He'll come to you in the end. He always does.” Kanji groans.

 

“How can you be so sure, Senpai?” Kanji has never doubted him before and it sucks. He deserves it though and he aims to make up for it. He gives Kanji one last encouraging smile.

 

“Because that's how it was for me.”

 

Just like that, Kanji is alone with his thoughts. Like it was for him? What does he mean by that? He hates this. He values action before thought but apparently action sent Yosuke to the hospital. He's never had this problem. He's always just done things and then the rest would just...work out. God, who is he kidding? That's not true. His so-called actions have affected his mother, his friends and even his father's posthumous reputation. He took action in the TV World sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't, sometimes there were disastrous consequences. He's pretty sure this counts as a disaster.

 

Souji is right. He should be more patient. He should have a little more trust in Yosuke. He has his doubts, sure but Yosuke deserves a chance. With a little more resolve, Kanji makes his way back to Yosuke's room. An hour has gone by, he figures Chie-senpai must've left by now, most likely by the elevator like Rise and others instead of the stairs like him and Souji-senpai. He quickly decides what he's going to say to Yosuke, even rehearses it a little.

 

“Hi, Yosuke-senpai. I know you're tired but I just wanted to know if you wanted anything to eat.” No, that's not good enough. “Sorry, Yosuke-senpai, I just wanted to know if you want something decent to eat the food kind of sucks here. Dad hated it.” No, don't bring up your dead dad. “Hey, just wanted to know if you're appetite's okay. The food here sucks, I can bring you something if you want.” Too long. “Hey, do you want something to eat?” Too short! “Hi Senpai, do you think you can handle a bite to eat?”

 

Damnit! Patience _sucks_!

 

He marches up to Yosuke's room and nearly opens the door without knocking. He only glances in the door's small window by chance. He was wrong. Chie-senpai is still there perched on Yosuke's bed with her back in facing him, Honestly, he's more concerned with Yosuke. His face is buried in her shoulder with his arms slung weakly around her waist. Chie isn't speaking but carding her hand through his hair. Yosuke might've been crying, but with the way he sagging into her, he could be falling asleep too. It's so weird to see them embrace like this, you only see this kind of thing in American movies.

 

Kanji is surprised to feel a little _hurt_. He doesn't know what he expects from the ever elusive “talk” they're supposed to have. But he wasn't expecting Chie to get a taste of it before he did. It's not like he knows what they're saying but there's no way it has nothing to do with what' transpired over the last few days. Kanji has been chomping at the bit ever since to just have one honest conversation with Yosuke. And not just Kanji. He can only imagine the text storm Yosuke must've weathered last night. It shouldn't be this hard to get a friend to be honest with you. Kanji _beat the hell out of him_. Souji _interrogated_ him until he snapped. His parents shouted at him _in front of everyone_. Apparently, all Chie needs is an hour just sitting with him.

 

Wait. Holy shit. So _that's_ what Souji-senpai meant!

 

Chie doesn't see Kanji's epiphany. She's more concerned about Yosuke who practically wasting away in her arms. She hadn't planned on hugging him but when he bent his head like that, the tears started flowing and she just couldn't help herself. He's done nothing but mutter apologies into her shoulder for the last fifteen minutes.

 

The TV World made it easy. Everyone went on secret solo missions every once and while to bash some shadow heads in just to blow off some steam. They just never talked about it. Living with Teddie, it's safe to assume Yosuke did it the most. Without it, Third Year has been rough on all of them but she had no idea it was this bad.

 

He didn't tell her everything but he doesn't _need_ to. All she needs to know is that her friend is in a bad place and nothing around him is helping. He must've been like this for a long time. She feels pretty guilty for not noticing sooner. Or maybe she did notice and figured that he'd work it out on his own. After all, she has her own problems and anxiety attacks to deal with. But those are handled in private with Yukiko, action movies and melon sodas. Yosuke doesn't lift his head until he starts to wheeze again and it's only to slide the oxygen mask back on.

 

“Feel better?” Chie asks. When Yosuke hesitates, she pins him with a glare. “ _Be honest_.” He should. He got a few things off his chest and the only thing keeping him from going full dozega on the hospital floor is the IV in his arm. He's so exhausted. His head wants to explode. His lungs still hate him. He's embarrassed and he _still_ feels like shit. Guiltily, he shakes his head. “That's _fine._ ” Chie says, though she feels like she's just repeating Yukiko's “it's okay to not be okay” speech but it works, damnit, so she's sticking with it. “Just...you've _gotta_ start taking better care of yourself, you're starting to scare me a little.” She takes Yosuke's bandaged hand. He tried to play it off but the medical chart give it away with a “likely self-inflicted” note next to his hand. “And if I ever get a hint of you doing this to yourself again, I'm _actually_ gonna kill you.” She doesn't know how or why he did it but she won't let it happen again. All Yosuke can do it nod at this point. To tired to say anything. “I'll be back later, okay? Do you want me to bring everyone else?” She asks. Yosuke considers it for a moment and nods. Chie smiles. “Okay, you sleep. That's an order.” She hops off the bed but doesn't leave until Yosuke closes his eyes.

 

“Is he gonna be okay?”

 

“Holy Crap!” Chie didn't even see Kanji standing by door and she dramatically clutches her fiercely beating heart. “Kanji-kun! What the hell, have you been standing here the whole time?!” She whisper-screams.

 

“No, no! It's only been five minutes, I swear!” Kanji flails. Chie punches him in the arm.

 

“Well you could've knocked or something!” She says but Kanji just scratches the back of his head bashfully.

 

“Well, it seemed kinda private and I didn't wanna interrupt.” True, Chie would've been pissed in Kanji had just barged in. She sighs, giving up her indignation.

 

“Well, if you wanna go in, you're gonna have to give him a while. He's all talked out.” Kanji fixes her with a quizzical look. “Yosuke told me you guys didn't exactly bury the hatchet.” She admits. Yosuke didn't tell her everything. Not surprising but Kanji gets a sneaking suspicion that Chie didn't ask him to elaborate. “It's nice that you guys want to talk it out though. I mean, Yosuke's been up your ass about... a lot of stuff. Honestly, he started rambling and got really emotional, it's probably the medicine. But...I think he really wants to apologize. Just...give a minute. You know how he is.”

 

“Right. Be patient.” Kanji says with a disproportionate amount of determination. “I'm not gonna wake him up I just wanna sit with him. Waking up alone in this place kind of sucks, you know?” Chie is a little hesitant to leave him alone with Yosuke but she has to reconvene with Yukiko and the others. She has some plans to make and this time everything is going off without a hitch. She darts off with a promise that she'll text him when she's on her way back.

 

Inside Yosuke's room, Kanji is a little disturbed by how quiet it is. There's one other bed but it's empty. He swears this hospital has more beds than Inaba has people. This place never had good news for him. First his dad, then Nanako and now Yosuke who's finally sleeping. He mutters softly in his sleep, but it's muffled by the mask. At first, Kanji is too busy texting his mother to hear him. He doesn't notice until Yosuke is practically writhing in bed, moaning repentantly at some unseen force. Kanji's heart sinks when he hears “Saki-senpai” among the madness. Must be one hell of a nightmare, he should calm him down before his heart rate picks up again.

 

Good thing he has _no idea_ how to do that.

 

Every time he feels lost, he looks to his mother for understanding. Clumsily, he takes Yosuke's face in his hand as she used to when he had nightmares and shushes him gently. The gesture is almost too intimate and if Yosuke were conscious he would lose his mind. Kanji lets his instincts lead for the rest. He takes Yosuke's injured hand in his and just starts whispering the most comforting things he can think of.

 

It's like magic. Yosuke's still muttering like a lunatic but his breathing evens out. He melts into Kanji's touch like he's belonged there the whole time. He's so close Kanji feels the heat of his fevered body. For a moment, Yosuke's eyes flicker open, delirious and unseeing. Does he even know who he's being held by? Probably not, judging by the tears in his eyes. Nevertheless, Kanji is transfixed. He's never taken the time to look at Yosuke's eyes but they're so _pretty_. They remind him of chocolate, a confession on Valentine's Day. _I really like you_.

 

“Don't go.” Barely loud enough to be heard but Yosuke's sad little plea is enough to break him. He doesn't trust himself to speak so he just nods. Yosuke lets out a strangled sound of relief before briefly touching his face. He says something else that Kanji can't quite catch but he doesn't care. He silently makes a promise that he won't be going anywhere. Yosuke leans into Kanji's cold hand affectionately and just like he's back to sleep.

 

At this rate, Kanji is the one who'll need the heart monitor. He has never touched someone so intimately. The kiss wasn't even feel as close and genuine as this moment. He's almost taking advantage. Spurred by impulse, he plants a small kiss on Yosuke's forehead like he mother would. “For good dreams” she used to say and it always worked. He sits down by the bed, running a hand through his hair.

 

He's in deep. He should've realized it before now. That's what made him so angry. He tried his best to make him understand how much he hurt him. Crushes don't work this way. You forget about a crush. It's something brief and pleasant. Whatever this is, it's terrifying and nearly unknowable. He wants Yosuke to wrap him around his little finger so he can dote on and admire him. He wants Yosuke to belong to him and mark his territory with a hickie everyone can see. He wonders how his name would sound bouncing off his bedroom walls. Once he gives this feeling a name, it'll have too much power and he won't be able to stop himself. It'll just end in heartbreak. Just because Yosuke kissed back that night doesn't mean that he wants him.

 

But Kanji wants Yosuke. Desperately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to everyone who reviews. You guys have really given me so much courage to continue writing through this unpredictable time in my life.


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